Yet again, be prepared for quite a long blog, it was quite a long night with quite a lot to tell you, however first of all may I tell everyone why it is still, fifty odd years on, still compulsory viewing.
Gone have the days when I watch to see if the British can win, I certainly don't watch it planning to buy one of the songs because I loved it so much, nowadays, Eurovision is no longer like an extended Top of the Pops, or some musical delight, but a work of accidental satire of the highest quality. Its humour is farcical, and always reminds me of an almost Monty Pythoneque comedy where you find your self laughing more and more as the world descends deeper and deeper into ever more bizarre attempts to get Europe's attention.
Last year, the Greek Eurovision song contest gave us Loardie, a bunch of gothic, axe wielding, masked men, who, in the Eurovision President's own words were likely to "scare children." However this year was something quite different, but before reaching this year's champions let us just reflect on this year's musical highlights.
There was of course the good ye olde traditional Irish entry, where a pretty Irish girl is placed in front of a stereotypical Irish folk band recently picked up out of the nearest pub to the airport. Naturally, she stands there singing with pool like eyes, and gleaming smile, whilst the violinist shows us the gaps where his teeth used to be. Then of course there was the likes of the Swedish who seemed a little determined to try and cash in on the whole Loardie 'Goths can win Eurovision' look, as they came out in the best metal clothes available to the Swedes. Unfortunately this resulted in a topless man lying down on a spinning hypnotic wheel singing something that sounded suspiciously like McFly. Although, they weren't the only ones trying to pick up on the whole Metal revolution in Eurovision. Even the Russians tried to get the 'alternative' vote, by getting the three teenaged women to "sing" over a metal infused riff, as they gyrated the microphone stand. However, worried they were being too 'pop', they also got a lone metal guitarist to head bang in the background as he pretended his lone guitar could produce the entire song.
So, that's the metal side of Eurovision scene covered. Now onto the 'tarty', of which this year's best offer came from the Greeks, who promptly paraded out a man with several blonde women, who were noticeably showing more skin than was being covered by the white material they called a top and skirt. To add to the touch they tied little ribbons to each of their hips, which the man could then pull and make them create pretty patterns, which in the end formed a huge heart shape (awww, how sweet). But apparently sex no longer sells that easily in Eurovision anymore; certainly Loardie never came out in a two piece bikini. So Greece this year, despite catching the attention of most European men for three minutes, failed to even threaten the voting patterns.
Oddly enough Britain tried this pattern this year. We managed to get even less votes than the Greeks, but did manage to gain the award for the most amount of sexual innuendo ever crammed into three minutes – "would you like something to suck on while we land, sir?" the question being asked by the very gay man in the flight steward outfit.
So, this year the metal scene was disappointing, the 'blonde and half naked', tactic didn't take it, what was left? Well there is always the good old bizarre factor, my personal favourite, and this year it seemed to steal the show. Last year Loardie was our only hope, apart from a group of lads from Lithuania who optimistically titled their track "We Are the Winners of Eurovision". However this year, bizarreness was the main theme, with even the French getting in on the act: that is presuming that four incredibly camp men, dressed in pink, dancing around like idiots counts as bizarre. In fairness, if that doesn't seem bizarre enough, take into account that the drummer had huge fairy wings sewn into his pink suit jacket, whilst the second singer ran around the stage with what appeared to be a cat nailed to his shoulder. It was the campest display the French have ever put on, and with that country's reputation, that's saying a lot.
Other moments of bizarreness were on offer, the Slovenians gave us a woman who's hand could omit light at various points during the song, the Romanians tried combining high paced gypsy music with a touch of Rastafarian reggae, and Latvia offered five men dressed in Victorian England clothing, wearing fake medals, and carrying a solitary rose each. Although it's hard to mention 2007 Eurovision bizarre highlights without mentioning the Ukraine.
It's hard to describe it, except to say that watching it felt a little like being mugged by a hyperactive roll of tin foil. After around a minute you start to question what you have eaten, and just how easily someone could've planted some form a hallucinogenic substance in whatever you've had. Imagine if Timmy Mallet was half way through a transgender operation, when he suddenly developed a fixation for 'shiny things' and took so much ecstasy that his only way to communicate was to incoherently shout numbers in German. That is as close as I can come to describing the sheer beauty, and yet frightfulness that was the Ukraine entry for Eurovision 2007.
However despite being firm favourites to win, and having made me see an all new side to illicit drug taking, they only came second. Yes this year's winner came from none of three Eurovision categories, nor did it come from my personal favourite to win, the Moldovan entry which tried to bring in every known Eurovision cliché into the one song. A tarty woman, wearing a leather corset, and leather trousers that showed as much thigh and belly as possible, sang operatically over a heavy metal beat; occasionally she would stop singing, and accompany the metal with some firm violin playing, whilst her accompanists wore little, and waved flags and ribbons in the background, as though it had something to do with the music. It was so Eurovision I almost fainted from eccentricity overload, however it still didn't win.
Instead this year's winner came from Serbia, who's entry was basically comprised of a small, fat, lesbian emo, who obviously cared deeply about her music, but who by the promoters had been forced into incorporating a couple of Barbie doll look-a-likes into her song. What the result produced, was a woman who couldn't sing all that well, trying to strain some vocals out over some poor producing, whilst blonde haired bimbos sang smilingly behind her. For their moment of big choreography, unlike the other nations, they did not pull off some spectacular dance trick, but instead chose to have the singer walk between the groups of Barbie dolls, and then (adventurously) walk back between them again; after this she returned to singing, whilst the Barbies placed their hands on her shoulder swaying - if post modernist theatre ever devoted a play to the themes of childhood schoolyard bullying, this is what it would look like. Unfortunately, despite the emo having her 'masterpiece' ruined by the plastic Stepford Wives extras behind her, and despite the emo's best attempts to ignore their existence completely, refusing to even look at them, they still won; and presumably only because of the 99% makeup, 1% person ratio of the girls behind her, because apart from that the song seemed as uneventful as a day in solitary confinement – in fact I think I would rather spend a day in solitary confinement than sit through that song again.
But anyway, thanks to the traditional voting patterns, the Baltic States have guaranteed themselves another year of hosting, and next year we will be off to Serbia. Which to an extent is a shame, because the Finnish did a good job of hosting apart from the cameo May-time Santa appearance, who seemed to kiss the lesbian winner a few too many times. That and the fairly bizarre cutaway clips of Finnish culture, including: replacing wedding bouquets with traditional market carrots; proposing to people by mobile phone; the "first official meeting of Finland's greatest celebrities Moomin and Santa"; and the highly interesting Finnish event, of a Computer Programmers Festival. Although possibly Finland's greatest gift to Terry Wogan's rants, was the "fan of Eurovision" they got to be the third presenter. The woman was a highly annoying, blonde fairy, who bounced around the camera like a headache, and spoke with a voice as though she hadn't quite woken up to the fact that she was no longer three years old. Maybe she was trying to be pretty, maybe cute, maybe charming; whatever her intentions, she was just a pain in the arse.
But alas, Scandinavia won't hold it next year, and thanks to the semi-finals and the new voting system, may never hold it again. Only Finland and Sweden made it this year, and instead the Baltic States and Eastern block swarmed in to fill up the positions. Naturally the ex-soviet countries all vote for each other, and therefore we can all expect never to leave that part of the world ever again. It use to be the case that judges decided on the votes, however since phone voting took over it has all become somewhat of an inevitability. Andorra voted for Spain, Denmark for Sweden, you start to see how having neighbours helps with winning Eurovision. As I sat there tonight looking at our 19 points compared to Serbia's 238 (at least it wasn't nil point again for us – thank you Ireland and Malta), I did sit there wondering if it was feasible to drag the United Kingdom the hundred odd miles southeast to nestle on Germany, France and Belgium in the vein hope of a chance of hosting it again. I'm contemplating now supporting Welsh and Scottish independence so that we can all vote for each other.
But until my plans are realised, the East will continue to vote for itself as Western Europe sits there fragmented and disillusioned. It is the Cold War musically reborn, with an iron curtain of self contained votes segregating our continent. Our only hope if to form our own adversarial Western Block, and somehow become more culturally inclined to vote for each other, the simple truth is we have to fight back or else we're doomed to forever be in the ex-Soviet states – in Terry Wogan's own words "where's Nato when you need it?"
But who cares, Eurovision isn't about the winning, it's not even about taking part. Instead it's sitting their laughing your head off, as Terry Wogan sips more and more wine, and wonders why he agrees to put himself through this absurdity ever 12 months. It's about us sitting in our country watching the eccentricities of our fellow nations battle it out for the economic boost hosting Europe's musical laughing stock can bring. It's about comedy, about enjoyment, and about slagging off the sheer horridness of the event before you wake up the next day counting down the days till next year. I love Eurovision, may it and Terry Wogan be immortal.
